I puked a lego.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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