We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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