Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
