God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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