Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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