Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
