Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize