I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
