I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
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