i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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