when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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