I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
