where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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