dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
