Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
