My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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