Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
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I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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