when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
