everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
