sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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