Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There are leaves in my underwear?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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