I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
