he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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