if only i could text you this smell
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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