I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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