We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
