I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
