Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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