if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
