wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
