2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
