All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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