Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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