Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
