Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Damn victory sex feels great
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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