i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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