She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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