it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
