i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
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Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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