I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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