Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
