trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
