I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
