Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
barbara walters just said penis...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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