I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Let's get the cat blown out
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
