We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We are two peas in an std pod
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
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I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i now understand why vodka
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize