Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
