are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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