I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
