is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
