new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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