Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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