I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
