My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
