Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?