the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
