My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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